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From Susan Merrill

The Blog

Encouragement

Money: The Biggest Mistake I Made as a Mom

Money is the last thing I want to think about if I feel my child needs something. Looking back at how I spent money it is clear I wasn’t thinking. I did not go crazy and send us into debt, nor was I selfish because we always gave generously, at least ten percent to ministry. However, I certainly did not save as I should have and that was my money mistake. I wish I knew then what I know now. Most of the spending in my family is in my hands. So I had a major say in our family’s long-term financial plans. Which is the point I am getting to–the long-term plans. I did not have one. It seemed too complicated to figure out at the moment. I deferred planning assuming I would take care of that in the future. Why? Because I had a serious misconception about how to think about money until I read: “A part of all you earn is yours to keep. It should be not less than a tenth no matter how little you earn. Pay yourself first.” ~ George Clason This quote is from George Clason’s classic 1926 book The Richest Man in Babylon, a …

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Parenting

Loving Your Child Through Teenage Rebellion

I am so thankful I am not a teenager today. It is not an easy age to grow up in! Teenagers have so much more coming at them in the form of opportunities and temptations. Teenage rebellion is really the natural manifestation of your children growing up and asserting themselves as individuals. When they’re young they’re happy to wear what you want, do what you want, and go where you want. Then they hit the transition stage to adulthood. It is a metamorphosis that doesn’t always go smoothly. Mark and I had five teenagers at one time. I want to share some of the struggles teens face and how you can guide them through their transition to adulthood. When your teen is struggling for identity… Teach them they are defined by WHO they are as your child, not by what they do. When our children were little we would tell them “You’re a Merrill.” We wanted them to get their identity from being a part of our family and a part of the values we shared. It’s normal to want to fit in and identify with others. The child at greatest risk is the extremely social child. They will crave acceptance and …

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Marriage

What’s the Love Code in Your House?

What in the world do I mean when I say “love code”? It’s a kind of code that forms from observations you made growing up. The code can be influenced by your parent’s marriage or another relationship you admired throughout your childhood. What you observed can subconsciously – or perhaps consciously – influence how you relate to your husband or children. When Mark and I got married we brought very different love codes into our new life together. In my Irish, Italian family, if you were upset with someone it was loving to talk about it in the moment — passionately. In Mark’s more reserved family, the loving thing to do was to talk about it later at a meeting where many issues would be resolved at one time. My love code with Mark was out there and expressive — “I adore you!” or “I’m frustrated with you.” Mark’s was more like, “we need to discuss something; I will need one hour on your calendar.” I knew he loved me but he didn’t always express it openly. In our disagreements, I would get frustrated about something and he didn’t want to discuss it. Then, when he was ready to talk about …

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Marriage

Bad Attitude: Is It Killing Your Marriage?

Can a bad attitude really kill your marriage? Yes! Attitude affects the way we communicate with our husband; so if our attitude toward him is negative, that’s how we’ll sound when we’re talking with him. Mark and I work together every day which makes having a loving attitude really hard. One day when I was out with our daughter Emily running errands, I called Mark from the car. He answered the phone with, “Ya, what do you need?” Well, I had him on blue tooth and Emily piped up with, “Hi, Daddy!” Mark’s tone did a 180. It went from snippy and sour to sappy sweet. And he answered with, “Hi, baby! How are you? Daddy misses you sooooooo much.” At that moment my attitude toward Mark did a 180. Ugh. And I realized… a bad attitude was killing my marriage. I love Mark and he loves me, but it is so easy to let daily annoyances infiltrate that love and poison our marriage. It is a slow death. I must do better! If you find yourself struggling with your attitude toward your husband, here are a few things to think about when communicating with him. Your tone can transform …

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Lists to Love By

Marital Differences: Asset or Liability?

Are you different from your husband? Mark and I are opposites and it can be a point of contention. I often crave the marriage compatibility I observe in other couples. If you are like us, it’s easy to feel frustrated and want your spouse to be more like you. However, that might defeat the point of two people coming together in marriage as one. Tony Evans puts it like this, “Of course you are different from your spouse. If both of you were the same, one of you would be unnecessary.” What a game changer. Instead of viewing differences as a negative, perhaps we need to open our eyes to the opportunity that differences can bring in marriage. In this video, Mark and I share just how opposite we are. In the beginning of our marriage we viewed our differences as a liability, but after twenty-seven years of marriage (and sharing every lesson we had to learn in our two new marriage books Lists to Love By for Busy Wives and Lists to Love By for Busy Husbands), we now see them as assets and laugh at them. You can learn to laugh at and celebrate your differences too. Play the newlywed game.

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Encouragement

How to Deal with Life’s Disappointments

I have a friend whose life hasn’t turned out the way she thought it would. In some ways it’s better than she ever hoped for — she has two wonderful children, a beautiful home, and she married a good man. But then there are the things that haven’t turned out the way she envisioned — she doesn’t have financial security, she still battles emotional issues she thought she’d outgrow, and her marriage is more up and down than she’d like. She’s having trouble dealing with disappointment. I think a lot of us are like my friend. We have much we’re thankful for, but most of us have unfulfilled dreams or unmet expectations. Once we admit that, it’s time to face those disappointments and frustrations head on. If we don’t, frustration left to itself leads to bitterness. Bitterness over time leads to despair. Despair leads to a dark place where, ultimately, we lose our vision. And as we know from Proverbs, where there is no vision the people perish. No vision, no joy. I call this cycle the… “Frustration Formula”. UNMET EXPECTATIONS > FRUSTRATION > BITTERNESS > DESPAIR > UNCLEAR VISION So it’s obvious that when we have frustrations, we need …

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Parenting

How to Discipline Your Child

It’s such a struggle to discipline our kids. I think it’s a struggle because it doesn’t feel good and it’s not fun. We had children to love them and nurture them and see them grow, so to talk about what they did wrong, or trying to train them not to do things that are wrong… let’s just say it’s difficult and uncomfortable. It doesn’t give us that loving feeling that we wanted with our kids but we know it’s necessary. It helps me to think of discipline like this: it is simply training your child in right behavior, a turning in the right direction. So how do you discipline a child? Mark and I talked about it in a recent podcast and came up with three things we need to do to discipline well. Be unified. If you and your husband are unified, your child will get a better sense of understanding what you believe is right. If you and your husband can’t agree and argue about it in front of your child, your child won’t be clear on what you believe or your expectations for him. So seek unity with your husband, but not necessarily the general public, because …

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Parenting

Are You Your Child’s First Love?

Yes, you are! I think all children have the same first love — their mom. And we are usually their first Valentine, too. All of the future Valentine’s Days our children celebrate will echo the love they learned from us. And, the way we show our children love will also affect their future marriage. So, what are the most important relationship traits to teach our kids? Marriage researcher John Gottman says there are two traits that are more important than any others: kindness and generosity. Gottman has been studying marriages for over 40 years. And by studying how kind and generous a couple is he can predict with 94 percent accuracy if their marriage will make it or not. Of these two traits, kindness is very challenging for me. I tend to be very direct in my communication and, if I’m not careful, I can come across as unkind. I have had to learn the hard way (by hurting my children) that kindness is… Kindness is patient. When we lose our patience, we usually lose our kindness too. Maybe you’re impatient when your kids won’t get out of bed quickly enough on school days. Or impatience can happen when we …

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Parenting

6 Ways to Know You’re Being a Good Parent {Podcast}

Can you know how to be a good parent? The answer is yes. This is an important topic because we so often doubt ourselves, especially when our children go through tough phases. We tend to feel like it’s our fault and we look back and say, “Uh-oh, how did I fail in these areas?” Today I want to assure you that there are lots of things you’re probably doing right. Here are some ways you can know that you’re being a good parent. When your children share their fears and dreams with you. When my Mom died I realized that she was my go-to confidante. She had built a relationship with me where I trusted her and could be vulnerable with her. It made me want to be a mom who would listen to my kids, so they would know they had a place to go. When your children want to spend one-on-one time with you. We had two girls first and then a boy. Our girls are not quiet, and they let me know when they wanted to do something with me. Our son was quiet and stepped into the background when the girls asserted themselves. I felt I …

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Lists to Love By

Lists to Love By 30 Day Challenge

I have an awesome new marriage printable to share with you that will help make your relationship with your husband stronger and more loving. It’s the Lists to Love By 30 Day Marriage Challenge. The printable was inspired by our Lists to Love By, Simple Steps to the Marriage You Want books (there is one for wives and one for husbands). We have been so encouraged by the feedback about how the simple actions and short chapters are making it easier for couples, and men, in particular, to love better. This is a huge confirmation for us. This was what we hoped for! With Valentine’s Day approaching, we want even more for your marriage. So we have a challenge. We want you to make love a habit! Love is not just for one day a year–it’s for every day. Even if you haven’t read the books, you can still take the Lists to Love By 30 Day Marriage Challenge. Like the books, there is a challenge for husbands and a challenge for wives. And like the books, both challenges give you simple and powerful steps to take each day. It’s that easy. So, make love a habit! Download The Lists to Love By …

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