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From Susan Merrill

The Blog

Parenting

5 Bad Behaviors Your Kids Must Conquer

Conquering bad behavior is not my favorite part of parenting but I learned that the sooner it was caught, the easier it was taught. In other words, when you observe bad behavior in your child, correct it quickly. If you allow the behavior to go on and on without correction you will have a harder time re-training your child. Another thing I learned is that often times the same behavior will pop up again at a different stage of a child’s life. It seems that we humans have inherent weaknesses that, despite repetitive training, take root and pop up seasonally. Every mom needs to know how to regularly weed the garden of her child’s heart! Below are 5 bad behaviors I tried to keep an eye on no matter my child’s age. The common theme with all of these behaviors is the need for you to figure out the root cause behind them; especially if a child starts exhibiting one of these out of the blue. That’s a huge clue that something could be going on in your child’s life. Lying. It’s often stronger in some children than others. My oldest is so obedient that you would never think that lying …

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Encouragement

3 Ways to Fight Mom Guilt

I hear it from moms everywhere I go, I’m just not a good mom. No matter how hard I try, I am not the mom I want to be. I messed up again, today. I know how you feel. There were many days, especially when my children were toddlers and teens, that I felt like I had missed the mark. But as my children have gotten older — I’ve gained perspective. I have learned from hindsight and I want to impart an important truth–mom guilt has come to steal, kill, and destroy your joy. Fight it. Fight the mom guilt with everything you have. Looking back I realize I wasted a lot of time and energy on guilt. I am hoping you won’t waste a second on it. Here is what I learned late in the game — 3 ways to fight mom guilt: Connect…touch, talk, play. At the end of every day, without my permission, my mind takes an inventory of the day, things like, “Dishes/laundry/house–check. Homework/lunches/uniforms–check. Work/emails/bills–check. Etc/etc/etc–check.” I usually check out ok and then my mind would light on the faces of my kids. Hmm, I would pause and rerun the day. With five kids …

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Encouragement

Forgiveness: What It Is and What It Isn’t

“Here you go again…” “Maybe if you didn’t always…” “Let’s not forget it was you who…” These are scripts of unforgiveness that inflamed many an otherwise common argument in my marriage. The phrases were hot coals left smoldering from past unforgiveness. While small statements, they packed such heat that when thrust into an argument the fire invariably burned and wounded the relationship far more than the initial argument warranted. There have been times Mark and I have hurt each other deeply in our marriage. Hurt is to be expected in all relationships—we are fallen creatures. What gives relational hurt power is failing to forgive the perpetrator. Mark and I realized we had to forgive past hurts and stop using the scripts that set every argument ablaze. Had we allowed unforgiveness to persist and bitterness to take root, our marriage could’ve ended long ago. We had a choice and so do you. You have to make the choice not to allow that, and make the only right choice — to forgive. To make that choice you have to learn what I did. I learned that… Forgiveness is not a feeling. When I feel justified, angry, or vengeful I want to hold on to …

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Marriage

What Not to Say to Your Husband During a Fight

Mark and I can definitely argue. He’s an attorney by trade, and I’m half Italian! When we argue with our husbands, there is a point at which we cross a line and toxic words push an argument to a fight. We usually go to these statements as a defense mechanism. For example, you’re in the argument and you feel like you’re losing. You don’t want to lose so you resort to one of these statements. Or you’re just furious and you want to hurt your husband. So think about when it is that you use these things we shouldn’t say during a fight. “You’re such a ______.” When you call your husband a name, you’re basically getting off topic and trying to defend yourself by hurting him. It’s never good to get personal during a fight. “Well, at least ____” We do this when we’re trying to turn the fight away from the main issue at hand. We want to defend ourself by saying what we do right, “Well, at least I don’t run up our credit card bill like you do.” “I don’t care.” I don’t care can be taken out of context and stick in your husband’s head …

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Parenting

8 Things Moms Should Do For Their Kids Every Day

When I traveled to Siberia to complete the adoption of two of my children, I met their biological mother. It was heartbreaking. She was very detached and her eyes were so vacant. My children were two of the five she had lost to the orphanage. She didn’t take care of them or protect them. For many reasons, she did not do even the most basic things a mother should for her children. When I saw how her actions, or lack of actions, had affected my children, my heart ached for them and for her. What we do as mothers matters so much. The basics come easily and automatically for most of us, but it’s the things moms should do that go beyond those basics that can really enrich our kids’ lives. I know that for me, doing some of these requires that I am intentional, otherwise, they won’t get done. But please don’t panic or feel that this list adds to your mom guilt pile! These are things you probably already do in some way most days. Be fully present. You can’t be fully present with your child every minute, but you can check in with your child several times a …

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Marriage

Where in the World Did I Put My Soulmate?

A better question is what in the world is a soulmate? Maybe you can’t tell it, but I am so annoyed with this fictional excuse to leave your spouse! Somehow, using the word “soul” provides an excuse for some people to do whatever they want—justifying their decision as if it were for some higher purpose. “I found my soulmate.” Spoken as if there can be no argument with their conclusion because it is mystical or spiritual. I will be very honest with you. I have five children. The fact is that I have more in common with a couple of them. Do I look at the others and say, “Sorry! Go find another mommy because you are not my soul child.” Absolutely not! I love ALL my children. Your husband is your soulmate or rather your sole mate. If YOU married him, then he is it. Don’t waste time and energy looking for the guy you think will fulfill all of your emotional, romantic, and spiritual needs — he does not exist. Here’s another way to think about getting our mindset on our husband as our one and only — our sole mate. Can you buy a pair of shoes, …

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Parenting

Science Confirms the Best Way to Love Your Child

Science confirms what God established when he created us: physical touch is life-giving. The best way to love your child is to touch them–hold them when they are young, hug them when they are too big to hold. From inception, a baby is held, in the womb and then in the arms of a mother or father. They are constantly touched. In the hearts of parents from birth we want to cradle and kiss our baby. This is instinctive and it is imperative for the growth and development of a baby. But what about the child who is eight, twelve or sixteen? Do they need to be held, hugged, patted, kissed? Yes. And what about beyond 16? Is this when a child begins to replace desire for parental affection with desire for romantic affection? Did you know that there are major studies on the science of touch? All of them validate its importance. The science of touch convincingly suggests that we’re wired to—we need to—connect with other people on a basic physical level. To deny that is to deprive ourselves of some of life’s greatest joys and deepest comforts. ~ Dacher Keltner, University of California, Berkeley I have pondered the …

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Parenting

Research Confirms a Family Connection is Crucial–Not Complicated, Just Set the Table!

I know a guy who grew up eating takeout his whole life. For as long as he can remember everyone in his family just got what they wanted and ate when they felt like it. It became his habit to eat what he wanted when he wanted it. As a result, at 5:00 p.m. every day he subconsciously starts thinking about what he is going to pick up. By 6:00 p.m., he is craving his vision and that’s when he arrives home and announces to his family what he is going to eat. His wife gave up trying to plan dinner. And as their children grew, they all started eating whatever, whenever. The reason families don’t eat at home or together is obvious–we’re all busy and it’s so convenient. But what is not so obvious is that when we fail to eat together as a family we are sacrificing connection for convenience. {Tweet This} Research shows that a family connection has crucial benefits for your child’s well-being. A Cornell University study reported the following: The take away message from this study is that youth who engage in more frequent family meals tend to have lower depressive symptoms {Tweet This}…Evidence suggests that children …

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Marriage

7 Truths about Marriage and Making it Last

Years ago, Mark and I were having a pretty serious argument. We were both very frustrated. I could tell Mark was getting discouraged as he realized that we were not going to resolve things quickly. So I said, “You know what, honey, we’re in this marriage for life and we will work this out, even if it takes a while.” Taking the long view is one of the truths about marriage. That’s why in our new books, Lists to Love By for Busy Wives and Lists to Love By for Busy Husbands, the first chapter addresses these 7 truths. It’s a foundational chapter that paves the way for the other lists, all of which help you love well. But even on their own, these 7 truths about marriage can help you have the perspective you need to steady and strengthen your relationship. And a strong relationship is key to making a marriage last. 1. Marriage is not a quick sprint; it’s a lifelong marathon. When you’re trying to break bad habits and form good ones, it can take a while. So stay focused on improvements, even if they come mixed with slip-ups. 2. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership; it’s …

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Encouragement

Learn the Truth About the Insta-life

Every picture on Instagram tells a story about life. Or does it? Recently, we were on a family ski vacation in Park City, Utah. It was gorgeous, and especially so to us because we live in Florida sans snow, mountains, and views of anything but water. Being an early bird who relishes quiet morning moments with God and coffee, I was enjoying our pristine panoramic view by a roaring fire when two sleepy beauties approached with their coffee and plopped themselves onto the hearth. Inspired by the winter coziness, they decided to capture the “insta” moment. “Mom, will you take a picture of us?” The quiet was shattered. I took the phone in my hand as they positioned themselves. I snapped four pictures, submitted them for approval and waited. Approval was denied. They readjusted positions, coffee in hands. I took four more. Again approval denied. More adjustments, more pictures. Finally, I said, “Girls, you were inspired by the coziness of the moment but in your desire to capture the moment for Instagram, you have lost it. This is a posed moment. And it has stolen the real one you so enjoyed.” The “Insta-life” is what I call a life lived for the …

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