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From Susan Merrill

The Blog

Marriage

5 Things We Wish Our Spouses Knew

When Mark and I had young kids, I spent most of my time at home with the children. While being a mom was my main focus, I craved a creative outlet and I pretty much became a professional volunteer. Mark didn’t understand that. He couldn’t imagine why I’d want more on my plate. “You don’t get me!” I would say to him when he would try to talk me out of adding more to my life. He was trying to help me but I felt like he was crushing my spirit. Getting to know each other well takes time and effort. That’s why it’s so important for us as couples to take the time to understand each other. We must ask our husbands, “What do you wish I knew about you? What’s important to you?” Asking opens the door to reciprocal sharing and greater understanding for both of you. Then, hopefully, they’ll want to hear our answers to those questions too. Mark and I wrote some of these different perspectives in our books Lists to Love By for Busy Wives, and Lists to Love By for Busy Husbands. I combined a few of them in this post to discuss what both the …

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Parenting

School Options: From Someone Who Has Done It All

It is rather bold, I admit, to say that I have done it all when it comes to school options. But I have participated in almost every kind of schooling. I have had at least one of my five children in the following: Elementary school–public, private, private home, charter Middle School–public, private, public online, charter High School–public, public online, military, dual enrollment College–public, private It sounds crazy, but my kids are all crazy different. I have biological, adopted, boys, girls, artistic, athletic, gifted, and disabled. In fact, I have one child that never went to school until we adopted him at age nine and didn’t learn to read until he was 2 weeks short of eleven years old. I have another child who was so creative she got a music scholarship but we had to homeschool for a year and change middle schools to foster her gift. And I have a child that is so brilliant (she is adopted so not boasting here, she did not get it from us!) that she did high school online in 2.5 years and went straight into the Nuclear Engineering Program with the Navy at age 17. All five of …

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Marriage

Couples Who Out Love, Have Marriages that Outlast

Are you a competitive person? The popularity of reality shows and sports attest to the fact that most of us enjoy the competitive aspect of an individual striving to be the best. Unfortunately, my competitive drive must be satiated as a spectator for I cannot sing, run, or come up with an idea innovative enough for Shark Tank. There is one exception. In this challenge, I can (and clearly I am commanded) to compete. Matthew, the apostle, must have been a competitive man. He asked a question that clearly revealed he was trying to get ahead, to be the best at his game. He said, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” And Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ” This is the challenge I can (and clearly I am commanded to) compete in. The greatest challenge is to love the Lord, but I want to focus on the next level- the second challenge to ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ My closest neighbor is my husband, Mark. Period. And …

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Marriage

5 Unfair Expectations I Have of My Husband

Before we got married, Mark and I went to premarital counseling. At the first appointment the counselor gave us a test. At the second appointment we reviewed our results. Before he started the review the counselor asked us, “So, do you two have a date?” We answered, “Yes, on March 4th.” We were 6 months away. He then said something that should have alarmed me more than it did. He said, “Would you consider changing it?” The counselor then explained that Mark and I were very different in our personalities and in our expectations for our relationship. Unfair expectations in marriage are not uncommon, which was a relief to me at the time. But we must take the warning seriously. If you have unfair expectations, they can lead to discontent. I still have to fight unfair expectations about Mark and marriage. Here are 5 that are at the top of my list. I expect that he should get me. My friends got me, so Mark should too, right? Mark really didn’t get me. He is still not my go-to when I need someone to get me. He is a concrete, factual processor. I am intuitive and broad and so our brains …

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Marriage

Must Do’s and Don’ts for Your Marriage

In every wedding, you will hear the “Do you?” questions. Do you take this man…? Do you promise to…? Perhaps, if you are like me, you have heard them so many times you almost tune them out. However, these questions and our affirmative “I do” commitment are the substance of what marriage is made of and cannot survive without. To love well, there are things we must do and don’t do in our marriage. The foundational list for how to love well originates in 1 Corinthians 13. It is often read at weddings and it is called the love chapter. I want to love well in my marriage as I know you do in yours. So to refresh your memory on what that looks like here are a few of the Do’s and Don’ts for loving well: Don’t be self-seeking. Some of this can come up in unexpected ways. For example, I’m married to a competitive guy. Mark is an attorney and his father was an attorney, so I would say to him during arguments, “I feel like I’m on the witness stand!” It seemed that the whole point of him arguing was to win, even if he was wrong. Whether you’re …

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Encouragement

3 Secrets to Keep Motherhood in Perspective

When we bought our “forever” 1920’s house and spent a year renovating it, I remember thinking, It’s a shame I won’t ever do this again because I know so much more now that I have walked through the entire process. Now that my oldest child is 27 I am thinking the same thing, It’s a shame I won’t ever do this again because I know so much more now that I have walked through the entire process! I made some adjustments to my parenting as I went along, experimenting on the oldest and applying what I learned to my youngest. However, there is a depth of insight that only comes from the experience of raising a child all the way to adulthood. Looking back I can more clearly see the big picture that was difficult to keep in perspective when there were five children clamoring for attention. So here are three broad, big picture thoughts that would have helped me in those “mommed out” moments when I doubted all – my sanity, that a stage would never end, that children were a blessing, etc., etc. 1. Motherhood is not for the weak at heart. The tenderhearted yes, but not …

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Marriage

6 Things that Keep an Emotional Connection in Marriage

It’s important to keep an emotional connection as a couple, and Mark and I have learned some ways to make that happen. I say make that happen because if you don’t put your mind to staying connected to your husband, a thousand other things will get in they way of doing it. Or, in my case, 5 children — even though I loved them — had a habit of getting in the way. These 6 things will help you stay connected to your husband: Be courteous and kind to each other. Much of courtesy begins with the words we say to our husband. There’s a really fine line between words that build up and words that don’t. There’s also the words we say and how we say them. And, of course, remember the basics — please and thank you go a long way. Talk about issues before they get out of hand. I’m the worst at this because I’m a camel that can handle a lot of straw, but there comes that one piece that pushes me over my limit and then I’m a flood of “justified” anger. That’s the wrong way to do things because at that point I am …

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Parenting

3 Reasons You Should Spy on Your Kids

We got in a pretty heated discussion during an iMOM meeting the other day. The topic: should you spy on your kids. One of our iMOM writers had written about three ways that she spied on her children. A couple of the younger people in the room thought it wasn’t right for a mom to snoop. I disagreed, and here’s why. One of my children went through a very, very tough time in high school. I could tell this child was struggling but I had no idea to what extent until God dropped a gift right into my lap. For some unknown reason, all of my child’s texts started showing up on my phone. Did I run to my child and announce, “Hey! Your texts are showing up on my phone!” No—I did not. I read the texts, lots of them. And I learned a lot of things that as a parent I needed to know. I learned that this child was in a very bad spot and I used the information I gathered to guide my child to safety. Then, after about three weeks, those texts…they stopped just as suddenly as they started. But I had seen what I …

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Marriage

5 Kinds of Compliments Your Husband Needs

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” I think this is especially true in marriage. When you are knee deep in children and half of them have the throw-up bug and a toilet just overflowed, a good, honest compliment from the one who sees the dark, weary circles under your eyes will get you through the battle. A sincere, timely compliment can be a powerful difference maker for days. It’s not easy, this crazy busy life. Encouragement can make it sweeter. We only have so many days and opportunities to say something to compliment our husbands. And compliments for men, or at least for most men, don’t have to be complicated. In fact, there are basically five kinds of compliments for men that your husband needs to hear. Relationship skills: Compliment how he treats you and others. This type of compliment starts with observing your husband. Note when he shows uncommon kindness, generosity, courtesy, or patience with you or anyone. Say something like “I really admire how kind you were to the people in that crazy, crowded store.” Or “You are really good at making me feel supported.” Parenting skills: Compliment the way he handles your …

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