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Marriage

Marriage

How to Agreeably Disagree with Your Spouse

We all have challenging times in our marriages when we have to make tough decisions, and sometimes that can cause conflict. My marriage is no exception! When to start having kids. Whether or not to quit good, stable jobs to go into full-time ministry. How to discipline our children. What to spend our money on. Whether or not to adopt. How to run a ministry while raising a family and dealing with serious health issues. Mark and I definitely don’t agree on everything! And you know what? That’s okay. It’s natural to occasionally disagree with your spouse. Often, there are no right or wrong answers to life’s difficult questions—just different approaches and opinions. Facing tough decisions can lead to disagreements between spouses, but it’s possible to work through differences of opinion with love. One of the most important things for me and Mark is to start on common ground. It helps me to remind myself that Mark loves me, that he wants what is best for our family, and that his ultimate desire is to honor God. And when we are disagreeing about something, especially a family-related issue, being reminded of that is crucial. When we stop and think about it, …

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Marriage

Let’s Talk About Marriage Communication

Communication is the glue that holds a marriage together. But I can tell you that during our 28 years of marriage, there have been countless times when Mark and I have come a little unglued. Early in our marriage, I struggled to navigate the sticky communication situations we sometimes found ourselves in. I had to start by figuring out how to communicate…about communication! As crazy as it sounds, I learned that to improve our couples communication, we had to talk about the way (conversations were getting ugly, at times) we talk to each other. Not in the heat of the moment, but sometime later when we had both cooled down and were relaxed. And in order for me to effectively express myself to Mark, there were 3 questions about his communication that I had to answer for myself. What don’t I like? Every person has communication preferences, and it’s so important to know what those are. There are certain things Mark can say or do when we are talking that wear me out or tear me down. Over the years, I have taken the time to analyze my feelings and reactions so I know exactly what I don’t like, and …

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Marriage

What to Do When You’re Not in the Mood

There is a lot that goes into making a marriage great, and it’s important to talk about the basics like loving your husband well, making him a priority, and spending time together. But there is a huge part of marriage that we can be afraid to talk about realistically. Yes, I’m talking about sex! When you have kids, employees, and friends to serve and love, it can be hard to have energy left to love on your husband. Yet of all the people I love, he is the one I care about and want to please most. So I’ve had to figure out how to make Mark a priority when I’m tired, distracted by the kids, and flat out not in the mood. One important thing I have learned is that sometimes, I have to get myself in the mood. Mark’s love language is physical touch, and he craves physical affection and intimacy from me. But when I’m just not feeling it, I can still choose to love selflessly and put him first. What that has looked like for me is sending the kids to bed early, lighting candles, putting on some music, and having a glass of wine. I …

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Marriage

Marriage Lessons Learned the Hard Way

I think David is one of the most fascinating people in the Bible. He was a man after God’s own heart, yet he fell so far short in many ways. One of them was in his role as a father. As much as he loved his children, he did not always guide them as he should have. His son, Solomon, followed David on the throne and asked God for the gift of wisdom. He received it, but lost it as he lost his way in life. The story of Solomon’s rise and fall, and how difficult it must of been to grow up in the shadow of such a revered father, is the theme of the really great, new movie, The Song. It’s set in modern times and follows a young singer as he tries to step out of his successful father’s shadow and make his own mark. Well, without spoiling the movie for you, I can tell you that he does find success, and he finds love. But like Solomon, his choices lead to heartbreak, loss, and lessons learned the hard way. Win two tickets to the new movie, The Song and a restaurant gift card. Make it a fun date night. Enjoy dinner and …

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Marriage

Recipe for a Great Marriage

Flour on my forehead and egg yolk on my elbow. A splash of milk on my cheek and a tiny bit of sugar on the tip of my nose. I don’t know about you, but this is what I sometimes look like when I cook. In the midst of craziness, I love learning what ingredients go well together, learning how much is too much, and even learning how to change a recipe up to suit my tastes. It can be messy, but it’s fun to experiment. In the same way, marriage takes lots of messy practice, patience, and perseverance. So, after 25 years of experience, here is my recipe for a great marriage. 1. Know the Ingredients that Work in Your Marriage Every recipe and every marriage requires different ingredients. And knowing where to start means knowing your spouse. Know what makes him smile, know what sets him off. Know what most encourages him, and know what makes him insecure. Once you understand your spouse and his love language, you’ll be an expert at creating a great marriage. 2. Add Some Spice to Your Recipe for Marriage People often think that being with one person their whole life will end up …

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Marriage

What to Do When You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex

What do you do if you don’t feel like sex as often as your husband would like? This is a question I have been often asked with an expression of guilt. What most women don’t know is that this is normal. Men physiologically tend to desire sex more than women. According to WebMD and University of Chicago Professor Edward O. Laumann, there are several differences in the sex drive of a man and a woman. They are: Men think about sex more. Men seek sex more avidly. Women’s sexual turn-ons are more complicated than men’s. Women’s sex drives are more influenced by social and cultural factors. Women take a less direct route to sexual satisfaction. Women experience orgasms differently than men. Women’s libidos seem to be less responsive to drugs than men. No surprises. But I would add one: 8. Children are more of a distraction to women than men. I have 5 kids so I think I am 5 times more distracted! And there are times when I just don’t want to have sex. But…I love my husband first, most, and forever. That is a reality I need to remind myself of–I love Mark first, more than the …

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Marriage

I Married a Porcupine

I learned the truth years ago: I am married to a self-proclaimed porcupine and he admits it. Of course, Mark is a great husband and most often fun to be around. But, there are definitely moments when his resemblance to a porcupine is overwhelming (and quite hysterical!). Well, let me clarify that—it is hysterical after the fact. It actually can be painfully prickly in the moment. For those of you who don’t know much about this little animal, let me fill you in. What makes them so unique is their armor of sharp quills and how they use them when they react to other animals. Let me get to the point—Mark is the porcupine and I am a totally different animal, in more ways than one. We are about as opposite as you can get on the communication spectrum. I am married to Mr. Wordsmith and I am not detailed in my expressiveness. I am very open and quick to say what’s on my mind. The result: I tend to put his quills on end with my words. Ouch! I can’t tell you how many times I have wished within seconds of finishing a sentence that I could suck every …

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Marriage

7 Life Hacks for Wives

Life hacks are the best. I’m a shortcut girl as long as the shortcuts don’t compromise quality. Because, hey, what’s the good of, say, a super easy chocolate cake if it doesn’t taste good? So these 7 awesome life hacks for wives are not only shortcuts, they’re easy ways to help you be the wife you want to be: Be Content Life Hack Distraction and busyness drain my attention from my husband. What I need is a hack to help me remember how to make him a priority and show him that I adore him. Adore Him Life Hack The problem with social media is that I begin to believe that everyone I know has a perfect husband, a perfect house, and a $10,000 vacation every year. What I need is to be thankful for my real husband and the real pictures of sweet memories posted on my not-so-perfect but real walls. Be Thankful Life Hack Guilt is a problem for me. I often feel as if I am not being or doing enough. I seem to remember all the negatives with razor sharpness and they cut into me painfully. What I need to do is challenge myself to small …

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Marriage

Sometimes It Hurts to Be Silent in Marriage

I am pretty chill about most things. This can be a good quality to have for marriage and a bad quality. On the one hand, I am more flexible than my husband who is more defined in his opinions. He likes to think about dinner—I don’t really care where we go to eat. There are times when he likes quiet—I am game for 5 kids spending the night any time. On the other hand, he is clearer about what is important to him and we all know it. I am not clear. There are some things I do care about, but my family doesn’t always know what that is because I tend to do the wrong thing—I remain silent. It hurts. And it can hurt in different ways. Sometimes I am silent about my desires because I don’t want to be a bother. For example, my birthday is just a few days after Christmas and the exact same day as my husband’s. So, it’s tough to feel special because gifts have already been given ad infinitum and who is going to spearhead the “party?” Me or Mark…it’s his birthday too. Normally I don’t really mind, but recently I had a big …

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