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Parenting

5 Bad Behaviors Your Kids Must Conquer

Conquering bad behavior is not my favorite part of parenting but I learned that the sooner it was caught, the easier it was taught. In other words, when you observe bad behavior in your child, correct it quickly. If you allow the behavior to go on and on without correction you will have a harder time re-training your child. Another thing I learned is that often times the same behavior will pop up again at a different stage of a child’s life. It seems that we humans have inherent weaknesses that, despite repetitive training, take root and pop up seasonally. Every mom needs to know how to regularly weed the garden of her child’s heart! Below are 5 bad behaviors I tried to keep an eye on no matter my child’s age. The common theme with all of these behaviors is the need for you to figure out the root cause behind them; especially if a child starts exhibiting one of these out of the blue. That’s a huge clue that something could be going on in your child’s life. Lying. It’s often stronger in some children than others. My oldest is so obedient that you would never think that lying …

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Parenting

8 Things Moms Should Do For Their Kids Every Day

When I traveled to Siberia to complete the adoption of two of my children, I met their biological mother. It was heartbreaking. She was very detached and her eyes were so vacant. My children were two of the five she had lost to the orphanage. She didn’t take care of them or protect them. For many reasons, she did not do even the most basic things a mother should for her children. When I saw how her actions, or lack of actions, had affected my children, my heart ached for them and for her. What we do as mothers matters so much. The basics come easily and automatically for most of us, but it’s the things moms should do that go beyond those basics that can really enrich our kids’ lives. I know that for me, doing some of these requires that I am intentional, otherwise, they won’t get done. But please don’t panic or feel that this list adds to your mom guilt pile! These are things you probably already do in some way most days. Be fully present. You can’t be fully present with your child every minute, but you can check in with your child several times a …

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Parenting

Science Confirms the Best Way to Love Your Child

Science confirms what God established when he created us: physical touch is life-giving. The best way to love your child is to touch them–hold them when they are young, hug them when they are too big to hold. From inception, a baby is held, in the womb and then in the arms of a mother or father. They are constantly touched. In the hearts of parents from birth we want to cradle and kiss our baby. This is instinctive and it is imperative for the growth and development of a baby. But what about the child who is eight, twelve or sixteen? Do they need to be held, hugged, patted, kissed? Yes. And what about beyond 16? Is this when a child begins to replace desire for parental affection with desire for romantic affection? Did you know that there are major studies on the science of touch? All of them validate its importance. The science of touch convincingly suggests that we’re wired to—we need to—connect with other people on a basic physical level. To deny that is to deprive ourselves of some of life’s greatest joys and deepest comforts. ~ Dacher Keltner, University of California, Berkeley I have pondered the …

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Parenting

Research Confirms a Family Connection is Crucial–Not Complicated, Just Set the Table!

I know a guy who grew up eating takeout his whole life. For as long as he can remember everyone in his family just got what they wanted and ate when they felt like it. It became his habit to eat what he wanted when he wanted it. As a result, at 5:00 p.m. every day he subconsciously starts thinking about what he is going to pick up. By 6:00 p.m., he is craving his vision and that’s when he arrives home and announces to his family what he is going to eat. His wife gave up trying to plan dinner. And as their children grew, they all started eating whatever, whenever. The reason families don’t eat at home or together is obvious–we’re all busy and it’s so convenient. But what is not so obvious is that when we fail to eat together as a family we are sacrificing connection for convenience. {Tweet This} Research shows that a family connection has crucial benefits for your child’s well-being. A Cornell University study reported the following: The take away message from this study is that youth who engage in more frequent family meals tend to have lower depressive symptoms {Tweet This}…Evidence suggests that children …

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Parenting

Loving Your Child Through Teenage Rebellion

I am so thankful I am not a teenager today. It is not an easy age to grow up in! Teenagers have so much more coming at them in the form of opportunities and temptations. Teenage rebellion is really the natural manifestation of your children growing up and asserting themselves as individuals. When they’re young they’re happy to wear what you want, do what you want, and go where you want. Then they hit the transition stage to adulthood. It is a metamorphosis that doesn’t always go smoothly. Mark and I had five teenagers at one time. I want to share some of the struggles teens face and how you can guide them through their transition to adulthood. When your teen is struggling for identity… Teach them they are defined by WHO they are as your child, not by what they do. When our children were little we would tell them “You’re a Merrill.” We wanted them to get their identity from being a part of our family and a part of the values we shared. It’s normal to want to fit in and identify with others. The child at greatest risk is the extremely social child. They will crave acceptance and …

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Parenting

How to Discipline Your Child

It’s such a struggle to discipline our kids. I think it’s a struggle because it doesn’t feel good and it’s not fun. We had children to love them and nurture them and see them grow, so to talk about what they did wrong, or trying to train them not to do things that are wrong… let’s just say it’s difficult and uncomfortable. It doesn’t give us that loving feeling that we wanted with our kids but we know it’s necessary. It helps me to think of discipline like this: it is simply training your child in right behavior, a turning in the right direction. So how do you discipline a child? Mark and I talked about it in a recent podcast and came up with three things we need to do to discipline well. Be unified. If you and your husband are unified, your child will get a better sense of understanding what you believe is right. If you and your husband can’t agree and argue about it in front of your child, your child won’t be clear on what you believe or your expectations for him. So seek unity with your husband, but not necessarily the general public, because …

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Parenting

Are You Your Child’s First Love?

Yes, you are! I think all children have the same first love — their mom. And we are usually their first Valentine, too. All of the future Valentine’s Days our children celebrate will echo the love they learned from us. And, the way we show our children love will also affect their future marriage. So, what are the most important relationship traits to teach our kids? Marriage researcher John Gottman says there are two traits that are more important than any others: kindness and generosity. Gottman has been studying marriages for over 40 years. And by studying how kind and generous a couple is he can predict with 94 percent accuracy if their marriage will make it or not. Of these two traits, kindness is very challenging for me. I tend to be very direct in my communication and, if I’m not careful, I can come across as unkind. I have had to learn the hard way (by hurting my children) that kindness is… Kindness is patient. When we lose our patience, we usually lose our kindness too. Maybe you’re impatient when your kids won’t get out of bed quickly enough on school days. Or impatience can happen when we …

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Parenting

6 Ways to Know You’re Being a Good Parent {Podcast}

Can you know how to be a good parent? The answer is yes. This is an important topic because we so often doubt ourselves, especially when our children go through tough phases. We tend to feel like it’s our fault and we look back and say, “Uh-oh, how did I fail in these areas?” Today I want to assure you that there are lots of things you’re probably doing right. Here are some ways you can know that you’re being a good parent. When your children share their fears and dreams with you. When my Mom died I realized that she was my go-to confidante. She had built a relationship with me where I trusted her and could be vulnerable with her. It made me want to be a mom who would listen to my kids, so they would know they had a place to go. When your children want to spend one-on-one time with you. We had two girls first and then a boy. Our girls are not quiet, and they let me know when they wanted to do something with me. Our son was quiet and stepped into the background when the girls asserted themselves. I felt I …

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Parenting

8 Lies Your Teen Believes {Podcast}

We often don’t understand what’s going on in the heads of our teenagers. In my case, this happened with one of my boys. He was such a good, compliant child that when he hit the teenage years I really didn’t know that he was having a lot of self-doubt. He based it on things that had happened to him that he perceived incorrectly. Even if you think your child is fine, be alert during these years and have regular conversations so the following lies don’t take root. Here are the 8 Lies Your Teen Believes. No one understands me. This is something you often hear because they’re maturing and they don’t want to be treated as a child. Part of handling this lie is listening, not always correcting or offering a solution, but empathy. Let them spout off. Let them see that you get it. Being popular will make me happy. You actually might not want your child to be popular, but they do need to feel a part of a group and have friends. Help them see that they want to choose friends who make good choices and are kind to others. If I don’t ace this test, I’ll never get into college. …

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Parenting

5 Ways Parents Frustrate Their Teens {Podcast}

I loved it when my children were babies. I also loved it when they were teenagers—really, I did. Yes, there were challenges, but the bonds we formed during those years will last us a lifetime. What’s the key to parenting teenagers? In this podcast episode, Mark and I talk about how first, you’ll need to transition from being a little-people parent to a big-people parent. We have to accept that their mind has changed, how they think has changed, they want to start exercising their ability to make their own choices. That’s just natural. They’re like the little bird getting ready to fly. So tell yourself, “A change is happening here and I need to shift gears.” With that in mind, take a look at the five ways parents frustrate their teens. Parents make all of their teens’ decisions for them. You want to let your teen make her own decisions when she’s ready. So how do you know she has the maturity to do that? It’s tricky. I’ve said this often to my kids after they’ve asked for more freedom or a new privilege, “Show me you are ready.” It’s not an age thing. It depends on the child. …

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